Minty Fresh
by Scrambled-Dry
Summary: Evi and Rodan, humble dentists in Bree, just want to help people keep their teeth healthy - but they weren't expecting a servant of Sauron to make an appointment! Rated T for now, might be M later.


**Wow, haven't posted a new story in a while, and never in this fandom. *wipes sweat off brow* This was inspired by a deleted scene in Peter Jackson's RoTK. **

"Rodan, who is our next patient?"

"The letter says his name is T'Mos, race not listed, doesn't have insurance…"

"Is he from Mordor? If Sauron finds out we're providing dental care to his minions…"

"I don't know, Evi, but he's an easy one. Cleaning and whitening."

I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath. Gold was much easier than dealing with the insurance guilds, but ever since Sauron axed his universal healthcare system due to budget concerns we'd gotten a few gentry from that accursed place. I resumed cleaning Orc drool and blood from the chair. Rodan was still shook up from last night, having hidden in the basement. Orcs have eight wisdom teeth as opposed to the usual four in everyone else, and this poor fellow had eight _severely_ _impacted_ wisdom teeth. Anyone else would have turned him away or let him suffer in the chair, but I put him under with my special herb poultice and pulled out those suckers with minimal trauma.

"Let me know when he arrives."

"He's due in thirty minutes." Rodan said, his Hobbit feet pattering on the polished wooden floor. "I want a spot of tea, how about you?"  
"Sure."

I had just finished my tea when the bell rang. Rodan and I ran into the foyer to meet our guest. Rodan opened the door, and we both nearly wet ourselves.

"Greetings, teeth-saver. Thy are highly recommended." He grinned, showing the full extent of the damage, then hissed with an open mouth. His mouth – the only visible part of him - seemed about twice as large as a normal mouth, and he wore so much armor I couldn't tell his species. "I must warn thee, my Master, Sauron the Great, would not appreciate thy service. He believes we cannot frighten the Army of the West if we appear healthy. Luckily for thee, I feel differently. Now, what name may I address thee by?"

"Evi, your…Great Evilness."

He bared his rotted teeth again, then turned to Rodan. "And you, Halfling?"

"Rodan, your…Great Terrible-ness."

"Haa! Thee may address me as Great Darkness."

"Great Darkness…lets get started." I said, shaking in my boots.

I led him into the operating room. "Please sit."

"I frighten thee."

"Yes, but I took an oath to treat everyone with great care and respect, despite my personal feelings. I honor my oath." I tied my mask over my mouth and nose, then surveyed the creature's mouth with a tiny mirror. Strangely, his breath had no scent, despite the rotting of his teeth and gangrene in of his oversized mouth. "Your teeth are rotted to the core, and your gums are almost completely necrotized. I will need to pull out all your teeth and heal your gums with my own magic and herbs. No extra charge, since I'm presuming you won't tell your Master. You will want to be asleep for this."

"I feel no pain, and I can regrow my teeth."

"Before I start, I need to know what people you belong to. Each race has different teeth structure."

"I am a Numenorean. But, don't tell anyone that."

"Of course, Great Darkness."

"Who is thy people, Evi?" He had spotted my tail beneath my robes. I always kept my wings tightly folded in wide sleeves and various braids and headwraps to disguise my tiny horns and webbed ears, but my scaly tail tended to move when I was nervous.

"Can thee fly?"

"Yes, but I do not. I don't want a hunter to mistake me for a dragon. My people come from far away. I was stolen by traders while still in my egg."

"Where did thee live?"

"With the Hobbits…"

"Haa! And yet, thy and the Halfling out there freely aid my Master's army."

"We don't want to make any trouble, Great Darkness. Are you ready?"

"Yes."

"If you feel any pain, raise your right hand."  
"I don't feel pain, but I appreciate your concern."

I put the spitting bowl in his hands. "Spit out anything that comes out."

The stuff that came out included, pus, blood, putrified gum tissue, bone, and pieces of what looked suspiciously like potato chips suspended in fossilized spit. His tongue, however, was perfectly healthy.

"Now, before you regrow your teeth, let me heal your gums. I need to touch them."

He nodded.

I touched the gangrenous tissue, then closed my eyes, counting under my breath to clear my mind. The tiny disease demons appeared in my mind, short strings comprised on spike-covered spheres. I shredded them with my magic, then slammed more into the tiny beings that form our bodies. Many were dead, my magic allowed them to pass on. The rest gave the damaged tissue enough energy to regenerate.

I opened my eyes, then stumbled against the table. His gums were perfectly healthy, his long, pointed teeth already growing.

"You won't need whitening, Great Darkness" I croaked, dragging my chair over with my tail. I perched on the edge, then spotted the teapot. "Do you want any tea, Great Darkness?"

"That would be lovely."

I could go my entire life without hearing this monster say "lovely" again. He gulped his tea, then hissed again. Somehow, he looked ten times scarier with a healthy mouth.

"I still frighten thee."

"More so than before, Great Darkness." I finished my tea.

"I feel much better."

"Great Darkness, what will you tell your Master?"

"He does not see me."

"Do you want to make another appointment, Great Darkness?"

"No."

I think my heart stopped right then.

"Thy healing abilities will be valuable to my Master's armies. The Halfling…"

"Great Darkness, Rodan is an extremely talented mathematician. I beg of you, don't hurt him."

"Call him."

"Rodan?" I stepped into the foyer. No, no _no…_

"The Halfling fled. He may be small, but he does not share blood with the Burglar. I heard him escape…"

"RODAN?!" I screamed. I'd managed to hide Rodan in the basement before that Orc limped in, but how were we supposed to know Mr. Death Mouth was coming?!

I squawked as T'Mos lifted me in the air by my throat, squeezing….

**/**

**Mouth of Sauron, Y U NO TOOTHBRUSH? **

**Evi is a sprite (winged fairy), _not_ a dragon/half dragon/related to a dragon/etc. She has webbed wings and a long, scaly tail, so in flight she looks like a flying lizard/girl combo, and since her people live really far away no one would think 'oh, look, it's a friendly sprite, she can heal me/my family/etc.' they would think, 'IT'S A DANGEROUS DRAGON THING' which she really, really doesn't want. **


End file.
